Suffocation
by Flesh is Yummy
Summary: It's okay. Suzaku can kill Zero and still keep Lelouch Lamperouge alive. Suzaku/Lelouch


**Suffocation**

**Warning(s): **Dark themes, discussion of death

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Code Geass

**AN: **Written for the one word prompt section of cgkinkmemeii. Cross-posted on AO3.

* * *

When Suzaku awakens from a nightmare, a haze of red and pink and tears and _no no no_, Lelouch's fingers are combing through his hair. Suzaku instantly recoils.

"Are you okay?" Lelouch asks, withdrawing his hand. He tilts his head to the side, and the shadows wobble on his face. Gray on his cheeks, black on his mouth. Suzaku shivers.

Suzaku doesn't say anything, so, finally, Lelouch sighs and shifts, the shadows scattering and says, "I guess that's a stupid question." He gives a small self-deprecating chuckle.

"Did…" Suzaku trails off and stares at the wall; he can't look in Lelouch's eyes when he asks this. "Did I say something?"

"Yes, you…called out for Euphemia."

Suzaku swallows. That is what he feared. The worst part is that _this_ Lelouch wants to talk about it. He wants to piece together Suzaku's grief and explain to him that it's not his fault. He couldn't have anticipated it. Couldn't have known.

And sometimes Suzaku just wants to shout at him that it's _his_ fault. It's all Lelouch's fault. It's Lelouch's fault that he turned into this. It's Lelouch's fault that Euphemia was forced against her will to carry out such a heinous order, and it's _his_ fault that she's dead.

But, instead, Suzaku has to bite his tongue and pretend Lelouch is just his friend, just the lazy, arrogant schoolboy who gambles when he's not supposed to and loves his little brother.

But, for once, Suzaku decides not to. He might (no, probably will) regret this, but it's been building up for so long. "Zero's still out there," he says.

Lelouch's eyes widen. "…What?"

_You heard me._ "He's still out there," Suzaku says, and the words are tumbling and spilling now. "I know he is."

"But…" Lelouch looks bewildered. "But you captured him."

"It's complicated," says Suzaku, running a hand down his face. "But I'm going to find him, and I'll bring him to justice for what he did to Euphie."

"Euphemia?" And it's strange when Lelouch says it because "Euphemia" sounds so far-off and alien. Not warm and affectionate, but just some princess he's heard of. Has seen on TV. Has seen commit genocide. There's such detachment. Lelouch's face crinkles and his eyebrows furrow. "But…"

"It's Zero's fault that she did…what she did," Suzaku says, staring Lelouch straight in the eye. "But all the blame was placed on her."

"…How?"

"What?"

"Just." Lelouch looks perturbed. He bites his lip and looks off to the side. "How? How is that even possible, Suzaku?"

_(Because you - )_

"It just is," Suzaku says, and he realizes how ridiculous that must sound to _this_ Lelouch who understands nothing. "I can't explain it."

"Look, Suzaku," Lelouch says, and he speaks softly, soothingly, slowly as if Suzaku is a child. He places a hand on Suzaku's shoulder, and this time Suzaku does not recoil. "I realize this has been very hard for you, but you can't remain in denial."

Suzaku can feel a nasty laugh building inside him. Denial. If only. If only the Emperor had erased his memories as well. He presses a kiss against Lelouch's lips, and, when he pulls back, Lelouch is staring at him with wide, owlish eyes.

"Do you want to know what I'll do when I finally find him?"

"Suzaku."

"When I find Zero?" He moves on top of Lelouch. He looms over him. "Because I _will_ capture him."

Lelouch says nothing, face shadowed by Suzaku's body, expression inscrutable.

"I'll do what I should have done a long time ago," Suzaku continues, pinning Lelouch's arms over his head. "I'll wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze." He presses a kiss on Lelouch's arm. On his lips. On his neck. Feels his Adam's apple against his lips.

"And that way," Suzaku says against Lelouch's skin, "he can't tell any more lies, and everyone will be safe."

Suzaku cannot see Lelouch's face, but he can hear his voice, a whisper, barely audible. "Even me?"

"Especially you."


End file.
